A Holy Longing

Something snuck up behind me today.
It was strange...

Love...

I suppose it was really the desire for it that really did the sneaking. To be honest, from before I even came back out here -since August of last year- I placed aside the pursuit of it during my time here. An intentional disengagement, if you will. Put simply, to leave the pursuit of a woman's heart for another season.

I was visiting a man who has been a father figure to me, and his wife, up in Littleton today at the church they're plugged into. Not large, only about 30 people. It was great to see them, and I had planned simply to enjoy the service and their company. And then, there she was.

Some people have asked me what my "type" is, and my response usually goes something like this: I don't really have a type. What ends up happening is I'll meet, or even just see, someone and (snaps) something's there. Some switch'll flip. It's almost independent of me.

And so there she was. She was a beautiful girl, but it was something beyond that. She sang really sweet. It wasn't simply beauty, though that was definately there. It wasn't just her eyes and the way they seemed to capture me when our eyes met continuously during the sermon. Or the way her smile brought out the warmth it did from my heart as she did when we finally met. There was something about her in that she filled the room with such a sweet presence. Now, long story short, we talked for a few minutes, laughed over stories, and then we left (the folks I came to visit and I). I have no idea what will come of anything with it. I met her once today and that was it. I probably won't see her again for months, if ever again. I only know what I felt in those moments with her. What I am very aware of now is what it called out of me. I found myself following thoughts of pursuing her, thinking about where that might lead. The time I might spend with her, the stories and laughs, the pain and tears, the thought of lives shared. The thought of truly enjoying the pursuit of her heart.

The truth is, I know I can't ignore desire. It's there. To love a women well and to be known in the deep places and loved by her. It's definately one of my heart's deepest places of desire. And I don't ignore it. But honestly, I find that I am often not giving myself permission to engage it. To sit with it burning full flame, just feeling it. I find myself asking, What does it look like to sit with desire intensely burning and be content? For me, what I feel left with is a longing. But a longing is different, or at least feels different. A longing feels like a desire embraced by the heart over the currents of time. There is something about it that feels noble. Holy, even.

So my heart wonders why I should meet this girl in a church of 30 people, most of whom were older folks. And why I should happen to be simply captured by the sweetness of her voice and eyes, her presence and laughter? And most of all, the question of what purpose could this desire have had for sneaking up on me in full force? The desire was so potent that I was honestly one step away from leaving my decision to "fast" from romantic pursuit for my year here in the dust. It is so powerful, the desire.

I find myself asking more questions of contentment and where I should let my heart settle. I do love this teaching that John gave on it, though, from his book The Sacred Romance.

"The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, is a holy longing.”

Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn’t we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less; that’s the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if they've killed their heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy, while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come... There may be times when all we have to go on is a sense of duty. But in the end, if that is all we have, we will never make it."

I'd say for myself, desire is one of the sweetest things of the soul. To sit with it and feel the full weight of it on your heart, and learning to enjoy it... is a sweet nectar.

The Weight Within A Story

Seeing mythically...

Upon first hearing these words, they sound strange. Or at least they did. When I read a book, watch a movie, or even in past years when I played a great deal of Role Playing Games, my heart really came alive. After years, I was able to put words to it. My heart craves stories. In the same way I crave food when hungry. Great stories. Stories that tell of a time when all was good, and perfect, until a betrayal... or an enemy emerges, threatening the safety and freedom of all... and then a hero, or a fellowship, must take a journey into the darkest areas of myth, to take siege and fiercely contend with the most dangerous of evils. All in hope that what was good might be restored. Why?

In almost every movie I see, or story I read, the things that my heart latches onto are the smaller things that almost seem to take place beneath the pace of the movie. The things that you will almost certainly miss by simply letting the movie play in front of you. They are the sort that you must almost look for. The lessons and desires that come when you engage the movie. I'll give you an example.

This past week, during Movie Night -where we gather the young men for a movie to begin to give them eyes to see mythically- we showed them Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. It's a really great movie, even from just an entertainment perspective, about an English naval captain and his crew of sailors who sail and battle for freedom during the Napoleonic Wars. The battle scenes, humor, and cinematography are all more than enough to make the two hours well spent. But there is so much more there. If you watch closely, you'll notice that the crew is made up of men of all ages, from young boys, young men, to old seasoned sailors. And there are many scenes where each man, no matter his age, is being trained by a man older than him. The young boys and young sailors are taught and trained by the older sailors, and as they grow in knowledge, they are given tasks that initiate them into their next level of service as sailors. They then begin to teach those younger than them as they continue to be taught by the older men. From the captain on down, this cycle continues down to the youngest on board. It is a timeless, and powerful way of raising boys to become men. They are cared for, taught, and pushed to pull their weight on board as they mature into men. This has such weight to it, and it is so easily missed in the wake of entertainment.

I began to be able to put words to what I was feeling when I started staying present with what rose in my heart when watching these movies. Movies like Braveheart, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Titanic, Cinderella Man -movies that were my favorites for so long, but that I couldn't pinpoint the deepest reasons why- ...they hold so many of the deepest desires of my heart within their chapters. Desires to be fathered, to feel a strong weight as a man, to battle as a man under a good king, to have a purpose and a place in a great story, to love a woman well and to be known, and loved, by her as well. It's all there, waiting to be found. Hidden beneath the surface.

My soul is so nourished by what I find in these stories when I look with the eyes of the heart.