A Holy Longing

Something snuck up behind me today.
It was strange...

Love...

I suppose it was really the desire for it that really did the sneaking. To be honest, from before I even came back out here -since August of last year- I placed aside the pursuit of it during my time here. An intentional disengagement, if you will. Put simply, to leave the pursuit of a woman's heart for another season.

I was visiting a man who has been a father figure to me, and his wife, up in Littleton today at the church they're plugged into. Not large, only about 30 people. It was great to see them, and I had planned simply to enjoy the service and their company. And then, there she was.

Some people have asked me what my "type" is, and my response usually goes something like this: I don't really have a type. What ends up happening is I'll meet, or even just see, someone and (snaps) something's there. Some switch'll flip. It's almost independent of me.

And so there she was. She was a beautiful girl, but it was something beyond that. She sang really sweet. It wasn't simply beauty, though that was definately there. It wasn't just her eyes and the way they seemed to capture me when our eyes met continuously during the sermon. Or the way her smile brought out the warmth it did from my heart as she did when we finally met. There was something about her in that she filled the room with such a sweet presence. Now, long story short, we talked for a few minutes, laughed over stories, and then we left (the folks I came to visit and I). I have no idea what will come of anything with it. I met her once today and that was it. I probably won't see her again for months, if ever again. I only know what I felt in those moments with her. What I am very aware of now is what it called out of me. I found myself following thoughts of pursuing her, thinking about where that might lead. The time I might spend with her, the stories and laughs, the pain and tears, the thought of lives shared. The thought of truly enjoying the pursuit of her heart.

The truth is, I know I can't ignore desire. It's there. To love a women well and to be known in the deep places and loved by her. It's definately one of my heart's deepest places of desire. And I don't ignore it. But honestly, I find that I am often not giving myself permission to engage it. To sit with it burning full flame, just feeling it. I find myself asking, What does it look like to sit with desire intensely burning and be content? For me, what I feel left with is a longing. But a longing is different, or at least feels different. A longing feels like a desire embraced by the heart over the currents of time. There is something about it that feels noble. Holy, even.

So my heart wonders why I should meet this girl in a church of 30 people, most of whom were older folks. And why I should happen to be simply captured by the sweetness of her voice and eyes, her presence and laughter? And most of all, the question of what purpose could this desire have had for sneaking up on me in full force? The desire was so potent that I was honestly one step away from leaving my decision to "fast" from romantic pursuit for my year here in the dust. It is so powerful, the desire.

I find myself asking more questions of contentment and where I should let my heart settle. I do love this teaching that John gave on it, though, from his book The Sacred Romance.

"The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, is a holy longing.”

Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn’t we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less; that’s the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if they've killed their heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy, while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come... There may be times when all we have to go on is a sense of duty. But in the end, if that is all we have, we will never make it."

I'd say for myself, desire is one of the sweetest things of the soul. To sit with it and feel the full weight of it on your heart, and learning to enjoy it... is a sweet nectar.